Beneath Ceilings pt.2

Part II: Bishop

She doesn’t usually like to be held until after she falls asleep, she’s always been difficult like that. I often watch as she’ll restlessly extend her arms, frantically gripping and pulling at the sheets, in search of a presence she only seems to subconsciously desire. Its apparent she needs from me more then I need from her, and yet, I find myself routinely watching her poor attempts at sneaking out whenever she finds herself regretting the night before, and tonight was no different.

                “You don’t always have to do this.”

I say having to acknowledge the fact I’ve been quietly watching her. She seems irritable, which is common for her at this hour. but even so, she’ll typically avoid expression in attempt to save my ego. She wasn’t always like this, so unaware of her importance. She used to be so full of life and cared more for others then I personally felt was worth the hassle. But I guess that was the point, she was a better person than I was. Always worried for the souls of strangers, while leaving hers unattended. And I guess that’s why I’ve hung around, trying to protect what she no longer had the strength to protect on her own. She leaned in to offer a kiss in exchange for unbroken silence, I accept and begin to examine as she falls into herself, recycling aged thoughts in hopes of a better outcome. I reach over to grab my shirt hanging off the side of the bed, reviling my phone that went missing somewhere between the 3rd and 4th blunt we smoked the night before. She always has been a heavy smoker; I think it makes her feel weightless. Something about her troubles not being able to reach her beyond the clouds or some shit like that. Honestly, she just be talking sometimes, but her company has always been preferred. I flip my phone over to check the time, its 10 past 6 with two missed calls and a good morning text from a girl I causally see from time to time.

I close my phone without giving it another thought and sat it down on the nightstand between an ashtray and a picture of us at the city fair, I let collect dust.

“Aiight…. C’mon, I’ll walk you to your car,” I tell her as I begin to throw on my shirt.

“Wait” she says suddenly, “you don’t have to”

her voice, faint but unmistakable. She’s always hated her voice in the morning, I’ve never understood why. Her insecurities have always hidden her from what I wish she could see. A part of me used to think that’s why she kept me around, to make up for the lack of acceptance she had for herself. But as time went on, her reasonings became less of my concern, and to be honest, this is enough for me. I reach for her instinctively and embrace her. I can feel her body melt, as if to dissolve in my arms. She looks up at me, I say nothing. And still, she understands what I need from her, and complies. I leave her where she sits, and head into the bathroom leaving the door slightly cracked behind me. I cut on the bathroom sink and allow my hands to gradually fill up with warm water before carelessly splashing it all over my face. I grab the towel and briefly notice her reflection in the mirror, she always seems so disconnected now, though I try not to worry myself about it. Her demons are no longer tethered to mine, and I can’t be her savior anymore. Though I understand her being here is a part of a process for her and I’m okay with that. I hear her alarm go off, which means its 6:30 now. I call out to her, with no reply. I wait for a few seconds for the alarm to stop, only for it to continue. Curious, I step out into the doorway of the bathroom. Her phone sat to the left of me hooked to my charger, so I reached over to cut it off only to discover her lost in her mind again.

“BABE!”

I called out to her. She suddenly looks in my direction, a bit startled.

“I’m sorry, what where you saying?”

I used to want to know what kept her from the world, why she often seemed so imprisoned by her ruminations. But instead, I extend my arms out reminding her that I stopped passing judgment a long time ago.

                “Come here”

I say to her greeted with a playful smile as she prances over to me. I’ve always appreciated her playful side, because these days it seems all she has energy for is imitating a functional person. But again, I stopped judging a long time ago.

“What do you need from me?”

I whisper to her.

                “To exist”

She replies genuinely, with all she was able to at that moment, so I don’t pry. I grab my beanie and her jacket off this random clothing rack she’s always hated. she’s been hassling me to throw it out for ages, but personally, I think it’s because the women who sold it to me was cute. I like to tease her about it from time to time, I think it still gets under her skin, but she’ll never admit to it. I picked up her bag she likes to strategically place above a drawer I cleaned out for her about a month ago, thought it may make her feel more comfortable here. But she never uses it, rather mostly occupied by loose change and condoms now. I reached for my keys, and she firmly grabbed my other hand, which is typical for her. I notice her hands were always so much colder than mine, something as a man, I naturally embraced. We head out quietly, hand in hand, only speaking when impelled to do so. As we approach her car, we began to say our goodbyes.

                “Same time next week?” I ask already knowing the answer.

                “of course,” she replies accompanied with a kiss and a smile I knew wasn’t meant for me. I wait from the curbside until she is safely inside her car, she blows me a kiss and waves for confirmation, as she continues to play the rest of the song she pulled up listing to.

She so corny, I mumbled chuckling to myself as we both waved to one another while heading our separate ways.