Depression in context.

In attempt to be as honest and raw as I can be, I intentionally waited until I would inevitably shift into a depressive state of mind before I dove into this topic. So you can imagine how much I’d rather lie in bed, presumably filled with cereal crumbs because I’d be too unmotivated to obtain a bowl and some milk located less than 12 feet from my room. You’re probably asking yourself, “why not just grab them all together?” in which I’d reply, because I keep the cereal box in my room for this very reason. Instead, I swapped the cereal box for my phone, which I’m currently writing this on, because I didn’t even feel like sitting at my desk to use my computer. In the past 10 minutes I’ve already put my phone down, at least 8 times to roll over in attempt to disregard this, and go back to aimlessly roaming YouTube with no actual desire to watch anything. This is depression. Feeling utterly withdrawn and disconnected while urgently wanting to engage is just a part of it. It has the ability to make the most mundane tasks feel like a chore. For example, I’ve had to urinate for what feels like the past 2 hours. But have yet to do so, even though the bathroom is literally right outside my door. It honestly would’ve taken all of 10 seconds, but I rather lay here in complete discomfort because my apathy outweighs my need for relief. I use the same copy and pasted message for anyone who reaches out due to my absence, because having to express what I’m really going through at this point just seem redundant, and that’s assuming they even get a response back. Time becomes aggressively more apparent, every second of every minute of every hour of every day. It feels like it drags out of spite, like a punishment given for just existing. So I sleep, often. Because sleep is the only outlet that requires absolutely nothing in return and is the easiest way for me to escape my mental responsibilities. The things you enjoy, and love, hobbies, passions and even good friends seem to present itself as burdensome. And the looming dread that you can never quite explain, but seems to be ever present, hangs around you like a thick fog. Routinely sensing imminent danger, and not being able to convince yourself otherwise because of a deep and heavy persistent feeling of profound loss. depression tends to make you feel soulless, like an empty shell. Completely detached from oneself while also feeling a sense of urgency, but not being able to decipher what it is or what it means. I’ve noticed media has a tendency of glorifying depression, but there’s nothing glorious about skipping showers because you don’t have the will power to convince yourself to do anything other than wallow in your self pity. There’s nothing glorious about only surfacing whenever you hear your roommate or family leave the house in order to avoid having to perform the version of yourself, they’re most familiar or comfortable with. There’s nothing glorious about feeling entirely alone, even when knowing your not. This is the side of depression people don’t like to hear about. Because when explained, your typically met with one liners like, “life isn’t that bad,” or my personal favorite, “just be positive”. Listen, the problem is once hit with a wave of depression, things I might’ve appreciated one day, suddenly will start to feel unfamiliar, dull and bleak. Making it harder than usual to “just be positive” otherwise, I would’ve cured myself already. Its just not that simple, nor has it ever been. So, if there’s any takeaway, understand it isn’t a solution I seek from you, but instead to feel heard, even if it may be hard to comprehend. And to not feel judged or ridiculed especially when I may not have the words to properly express myself. Because It’s already hard enough for individuals with depression to reach out, due to us having to be vulnerable with people who typically won’t relate to the depths in which our minds can sink. Just being there, even in silence goes along way, trust me.

In closing, I should probably go to the bathroom now.